Demisexuality is a sexual orientation that is characterized by lack of primary sexual attraction. This means that a person who is demisexual will not feel sexually attracted to someone without an emotional bond. So, emotional connection first, and then sexual attraction.
A demisexual person may be straight, gay, bi, lesbian, etc. It is a sexuality that is often experienced along with another. Often, it takes people awhile to realize that they are demisexual.
How do you know if you are demisexual? What can you do if a friend or lover is demi? It’s important to understand what demisexuals feel and experience, and learn healthy ways to be affirming to yourself or others.
How People Feel Sexual Attraction
When you feel sexual attraction, you are experiencing a desire to have sexual contact with another person. It’s an emotional and physical sensation that is decidedly erotic. You can experience sexual attraction without having any intention to act on those feelings – it still counts as long as those sensations exist and are driven by sexual desire.
People who are not demisexual can experience primary sexual attraction. Have you ever looked at a picture of a sexy model or watched porn, and experienced a sexual urge? You don’t know that person or have a close emotional bond with them. Yet, you still feel sexual attraction. A person who is demisexual doesn’t experience that.
What Does it Mean to Feel Primary Vs Secondary Sexual Attraction?
The scenario above is an example of primary sexual attraction. With secondary sexual attraction, a person feels sexually attracted only after some other connection is made. Usually, the primary attraction requires an emotional connection.
Is Demisexual a Sexual Orientation?
Yes, demisexual is a sexual orientation. This is how they feel sexual attraction.
What makes something a sexual orientation? Sexual orientations are sexual or romantic patterns of attraction that occur consistently until you identify them as your own. It is up to each person to determine their own sexual orientation as they get to know themselves and their attractions over time.
Sexual orientation or sexualities are not always binary. You can resonate with more than women. Most people who are demisexual have other sexual orientations. If you are a woman who is attracted to women, you are a lesbian. If you also don’t feel sexually attracted until you connect with a woman, you are a demisexual.
Emotional Bond And Sexual Attraction
What does it mean to say you have to feel an emotional bond before you feel attracted sexually? Does this mean you have to fall in love before feeling sexually attracted to someone? Not always!
There are many ways to experience emotional connection. You don’t have to fall in romantic love for that to happen. That strong emotional bond can happen through the development of a meaningful friendship.
Other Types of Attraction
Attraction is simply how and why you are drawn to other people. This can happen in many ways. We know there is sexual attraction. There is also:
- Romantic Attraction – Having romantic desire for someone
- Aesthetic Attraction – An attraction based on looks or appearance
- Emotional Attraction – Feeling a strong emotional bond
- Spiritual Attraction – Based on connections felt at a spiritual level or shared spirituality
- Intellectual Attraction – An attraction driven by a person’s intellectual capabilities and interests
Is Demisexual on The Asexual Spectrum?
Demisexual is on the asexual spectrum. Demi means half, and that may refer to landing partially between asexual and allosexual on the asexuality spectrum. Since most people who are demi experience significantly less sexual attraction than others, they often identify as asexual people.
This is highly personal though. A person can identify as demisexual without considering themselves to be ace.
Difference Between Gray Asexuality And Demisexuality
Some people identify as gray asexual or graysexual when they experience sexual attraction, but at a much lower frequency than others. Think of gray asexuality as the gray area between sex repulsed and sex favourable.
The things that may “kick off” a graysexual’s sex drive can vary. People with this sexuality can even experience primary sexual attraction. With demisexual people, things are more specific. They are essentially sex neutral or sex indifferent until that emotional bond exists. Think of asexuality as an umbrella. Both demisexual and gray asexual fall under it, but both are distinct from the other.
Demisexuality And Pansexuality
Demisexuality and pansexuality are different orientations. Both can be experienced at the same time. Pansexuals can be attracted to any gender. More accurately, gender does not influence their sexual attraction. If someone who is pansexual can’t feel primary attraction, then they may also be demisexual.
Demisexuality And Sapiosexuality
A sapiosexual feels sexual attraction to intelligence and intelligent people. They may experience sexual arousal during intellectual discussions or by seeing a potential partner demonstrate their intelligence in other ways.
Some people do see sapiosexuality as a type of demisexuality, or at least closely related. Likewise, they might see intellectual connection as something that can lead to emotional connection. Others see intellectual and emotional bonds as being two distinct things, thus keeping the two separate.
Are You a Demisexual Person?
Do you wonder if this is a sexual identity that fits you? First, it’s okay to question or change your sexual identity. We change the way that we view ourselves in many ways throughout our lives. There are people out there who have never even encountered the word, demisexual. How would they know whether demisexuality describes them or not.
Some people are able to identify their sexual orientation early on, and that never changes for them. Others take time to get to know themselves, and find that their self-perception changes. That’s perfectly fine!
Should you identify as demisexual? Here are some questions you can ask yourself about your sexuality that might help you decide. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, just a way to gain some insights.
- Is experiencing sexual attraction at “first sight” normal for you?
If you frequently feel sexual attraction to someone before getting to know them, you’re probably not demisexual. Sexual feelings don’t usually arise until a demisexual gets to know the other person. That’s why it’s a secondary attraction. - Do you have sexual desires for celebrities or people you don’t know personally?
If you feel sexual attraction for people you don’t know, even if you know you would never act on it, then you’re not likely demisexual. Even if you find that person’s views or sense of humor appealing, you don’t have a connection with them. - Does the idea of casual sex or a one night stand turn you on?
If you don’t enjoy casual sexual activity, you might be demisexual. The fact that you don’t enjoy one night stands indicates that you need an emotional bond.
However, this is not guaranteed. Some people avoid casual sex because they think it is immoral, or they fear some sort of consequences. If the only things stopping you from these kinds of sexual activities are your personal beliefs or desire to avoid a negative outcome, that doesn’t really count. Because, you still feel sexual attraction, you just don’t act on it. - Do you have a strong sex drive?
Demisexuality falls within the category of asexuality. Demisexual people experience a lower frequency of sexual urges towards others. Some may not experience it at all or very rarely, especially if they struggle to connect that way with others. - What motivates you to want to date someone?
Do you choose your dates because they are physically attractive to you? What about their socioeconomic status or job? Would you rather date a friend, someone you have gotten to know well, and feel a close connection with? For demisexuals, the best sexual relationship with start as a close friendship.
Dating Someone Who is Demisexual
You’re interested in or have already started a romantic relationship with someone who is demisexual. What can you do to maintain a good connection with them, so both of you get what you need from the relationship, including enjoyable sexual activity?
First, set expectations for yourself. If you’re interested in having lots of sex as soon as possible, don’t date a demisexual person. That’s not fair to either of you.
Also, faking feelings or saying things that you don’t mean to make someone who is demisexual feel attraction to you is absolutely repugnant. If you aren’t willing to allow genuine feelings emerge over time, do both of you a favor and move on.
That said, there is nothing wrong with making an effort to do things together that foster sincere emotional connections. You do that by talking, being emotionally vulnerable, and simply doing things together that both of you enjoy.
If you are in a long-term relationship with a demisexual person, understand that their ability to connect with you emotionally directly impacts whether they want or enjoy sex with you. If your partner spends the entire day feeling criticized, ignored, or rejected by you – they aren’t going to want sexual activity that night.
Dating as Demisexual
As someone who is demisexual, you deserve to have fun, meaningful dating experiences where your needs are respected.
Meeting Someone Who is Right For You
Demisexual people can date anyone as long as that person aligns with their attractions. A person doesn’t have to be demisexual to have a great relationship with you. You simply have to find someone who understands your need to feel emotional attraction before you feel sexual attraction. That’s a pretty basic requirement. If someone wants to engage in sexual activities without that connection, there’s nothing wrong with that either. That’s when both of you realize that you are not sex compatible.
You may find that you don’t have much luck finding dates at bars or nightclubs. The culture of those places prioritizes feeling sexually attracted sooner rather than later. Instead, consider some of these options that are more likely to help you find people to date with whom you will feel romantic attraction:
- Join groups, clubs, and organizations that align with your views, hobbies, and interests
- Ask your friends to introduce you to people
- Use dating apps and create an honest and open profile
- Volunteer with organizations you feel passionate about like queer activist communities
Coming Out as Demisexual
It is up to you when or if you come out as demisexual. If you feel comfortable doing so, then you should. It can bring understanding to your relationships, and you may find understanding and support. On the other hand, you aren’t obligated to share this part of your sexuality with a potential date. You don’t have to explain to anyone why you’re not feeling sexual attraction to them.
Breaking Myths About Demisexuality
If you identify as demisexual, you may encounter people who have a lot of misconceptions about what this means. Let’s break these with some truths.
Demisexuals Feel Repulsed by Sex
There is a common feeling that demisexuals have negative feelings about sexual acts. This isn’t true at all. People who are demi have a full range of opinions and desires regarding sex. Someone who is demisexual is as likely to be as sex positive as anyone else on the queer spectrum.
Demisexuals Judge How Other People Have Sex
Demisexuals are no more judgmental about your sex life than anyone else in the general population. Remember that this is not a moral, spiritual, or ethical choice for them. They simply feel differently than most when it comes to sexual desires.
People Are Demisexual Due to Trauma
Absolutely not. Nobody is demisexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc. because of trauma. Yes, trauma can impact how people relate to others – including dating and sex. But, it is dismissive of a person’s agency to assume their sexuality is because they have suffered trauma. It also assumes that there is something wrong and pathological about being demi.
Demisexual People Want to Have Sex With Their Friends
This is a common misconception. Yes, many demisexual people have romances that begin as friendships. This is where emotional bonds often begin. However, they are perfectly capable of respecting boundaries, and aren’t any more likely than others to see their friend circle as a dating pool.
Demisexuals Are Not LGBTQIA+
Demisexuality is a type of human sexuality that is part of the asexual spectrum. That’s the ‘A’ in LGBTQIA+. This is included because asexual people are not straight because they do not experience sexual desires in the same way that the majority of people do.
Demisexual People Have Low Sex Drives
Once they feel a connection that allows them to experience sexual desire, there is no difference between demisexual folks and anybody else.
References:
https://medium.com/lgbtq-wiki/demisexuality-what-is-it-what-does-it-mean-a5b11fe6627a
https://taimi.com/wiki/demisexuality-what-is-it-what-does-it-mean
