“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.” (Dr. H. Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life).
In addicted people, a large part of that ‘pain of staying the same’ comes from emotions such as guilt, shame, and remorse. They may feel powerless to do anything about it all, but that only makes them feel more guilty so that eventually feelings of guilt become part of their daily life.
Conscience
“Do I not look in the mirror and see a drunken rat avert her eyes?” (Anne Sexton).
Guilt, shame, and remorse are all unpleasant feelings that are familiar to alcoholics and addicts. They arise because human beings have a unique gift of conscience, the emotional pain that is the canary in the coalmine of our wrongdoing. Conscience is the reason why we have survived as a species because it tells us when we do something that is inherently bad for us.
Cognitive dissonance
Conscience tells us what we don’t know or don’t want to know about ourselves – when it sees us doing things that are self-defeating. It presents as a feeling of unhappiness and the only way we can justify to ourselves continuing our unacceptable behavior is through denial. When our actions fail to chime with our personal values on big issues such as substance abuse, it is highly stressful for us psychologically. There is a clinical name for it: cognitive dissonance. We can just about live with this, but we feel guilty.
Is ignorance bliss?
If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? No, said the missionary, not if you did not know. Then why, asked the tribesman earnestly, did you tell me? This familiar story illustrates the idea that ‘ignorance is bliss’. People In denial of addiction sometimes react like this when they find themselves in rehab. They realize they have lost their innocent attitude towards addiction and will henceforward always feel guilty. Yet, though there may be some innocent substance abuse, there is no such thing as innocent addiction. We instinctively know, or our abused bodies tell us when we are habitually using addictive substances in dangerous quantities.
That is not the end of it though, there are other factors contributing to those persistent feelings of guilt:
- Brain chemistry and substance abuse
Alcohol is a depressant along with some drugs such as heroin and cannabis. These work through the brain’s ‘feel good’ receptors such as Dopamine and Seratonin, to give an initial boost that helps with fears and anxieties, but later produces a corresponding lack of well-being on wearing off (the ‘morning after’ effect). Besides this, trembling, nausea, and light sensitivity caused by low blood sugar and a damaged central nervous system contribute to the general feeling of malaise that follows a binge. The more you drink or use the night before, the greater the ‘down’ the next day. When so many vital organs have been negatively affected – liver, kidneys, brain, and heart to name a few, it is hardly surprising that the body sends out messages to the mind of guilt, shame, and ‘never again’.
- Emotional hangover
Alcohol and drugs can intensify negative feelings of all kinds, leading not just to guilt but depression, despair, and self-disgust which eventually become chronic. Our emotional equilibrium is upset. Suicidal ideation is not uncommon and life generally seems un-enjoyable; guilt and remorse become familiar almost daily feelings.
- Loss of spiritual compass
Addiction tends to erode our spiritual values by diminishing our moral and ethical standards and reducing our capacity for empathy, compassion, and gratitude. It makes us self-obsessed and egocentric too. In this state, our guilt is an intuitive warning signal, telling us to re-set the compass because something is wrong. Only psychopaths fail to feel guilty for their behavior – the rest of us who can feel guilt will hopefully, one day put it to positive use.
Guilt reminds us that we can do better
“Guilt is really the reverse side of the coin of pride. Guilt aims at self-destruction and pride aims at the destruction of others.” (Bill W).
Both guilt and pride are equally dangerous, especially to addicted people but guilt tends to be painful whereas pride does not. That means that paradoxically, guilt is to be welcomed because the emotional pain it brings can be the catalyst for change that is so desperately needed.
Dealing with guilt
Is my guilt the direct result of some action or event of which I am ashamed? Is it really necessary for me to feel lasting guilt in such a self-destructive manner? Does my reason to feel guilty still feel valid? Perhaps I am hanging on to guilt in a form of sick pride or because my self-esteem is so low that I insist on remaining a person worthy of punishment. In that case, it is probably now time to let it go all together and replace it with some positivity instead:
I’ve been a wicked girl,’ said I:
’But if I can’t be sorry, why,
I might as well be glad!’ Edna St Vincent Millay
Sorrow is easier than guilt
Have you ever seen an alcoholic crying their eyes out and saying sorry over and over again? Perhaps you’ve done that yourself. Most of us have. It’s much easier to say sorry in a dramatic way and do nothing than it is to challenge guilt and deal with it effectively.
Two kinds of guilt
Both healthy and unhealthy guilt are unpleasant at the time, but they have very different outcomes.
- Unhealthy guilt can linger until it becomes a default state of mind. It is part of the victim role that addicted people often choose because by blaming circumstances for their predicament and proclaiming themselves as powerless victims, they can avoid taking responsibility for change. They are not required to do anything about it themselves. For such people, guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
- Healthy guilt is the negative but unavoidable feeling that comes from knowing you have behaved badly. It puts pressure on you to take action – perhaps by making suitable amends. Thus, it can be a powerful tool for change because it leads to accountability. We feel the pain and realize that we can do better by taking responsibility for change. Normal mature adults do this as a matter of course because they are not afraid to face reality. People with addiction tend to be more devious, to their own detriment.
Shame and guilt play a big part in our personality but in recovery, they can hold us back. Of course, we feel ashamed of our past, and even a belief that we are good but sick persons who have done regrettable things, does not lift the burden. Only taking action will do that.
Guilt after relapse
When we relapse back into addiction after committing ourselves to sobriety, guilt and remorse are more intense – sometimes they can feel overwhelming. We feel we are failures with all the negativity that attaches to the word. It is normal to feel like that but not normal to stay in that state and do nothing, as many addicts do. That is the difference between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt.
Coping with feelings around relapse
Deciding to do something about the guilt we feel is all part of the positive affirmative action required for successful recovery. Here are some steps to take:
- Remember that relapse is not a failure but a part of the illness of addiction. It should not deter you from progressing your recovery.
- Re-engage with your recovery plans without delay ‘get back on the horse’.
- Review your relapse and learn from it where you went wrong.
- Re-connect with your support network of meetings, sponsors, healthcare workers, and counselors.
By doing these things, your self-esteem will rise, any shame and guilt will diminish, and you will eventually look back at the relapse as the moment when your recovery really began.
Steps Eight and Nine
Steps Eight and Nine provide a way of dealing with guilt. If we act to complete these steps thoroughly then over time, as we work through our list of amends, we will feel our burden become lighter.
The Promises, found in the Big Book of Alcoholics anonymous, do not actually specify freedom from guilt but this is implied in the words: I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. When we strive to practice the Twelve Step principles in all our affairs, we will indeed start to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Contact Smarmore Castle Private Clinic if you or a loved one are having difficulties and are seeking addiction treatment. We are here to help.
